School is becoming tougher and tougher these days as Layla grows and become much more of a handful. I find myself questioning if I really want to pursue a career in sonography after all. I work for one of the local hospitals around here, and I sometimes find myself failing emotionally in containing my sorrow or my anger for the patients I encounter who are near death or just incredibly lonely.
I helped a man the other day who had Parkinson's Disease so badly that he could not hold anything by himself. I was glad I was in the room with him when the nutrition services associate dropped his food off and left or else this man would have been staring at his saran-wrapped sandwich all night. Or at least until he called one of the incredibly busy nurses off of the floor. I couldn't help but to shed a tear as I watched him repeatedly drop his sandwich in his lap in an attempt to peel the wrapping off of his food. I couldn't believe that I would be there in his shoes someday 50 or so years down the line. To be so feeble and unable to do something so simple... it scares me. I've watched my mother deteriorate in health over the past few years and I know that she will be there sooner than I know.
I'm beginning to doubt my ability to sustain a career in the healthcare industry in other ways than just the fact that I care too much about people. It is hard to be this incredibly compassionate for people, but at the same time have an incredible hatred for them too. Working with the general public at my other job has made me so loathing and furious at how people can treat strangers like such dirt. I'm not sure if I would WANT to help people of this nature. But then we have the case of the man mentioned above, and I want so badly to help him, but I'm not God. I can't cure everyone who deserves to continue a healthy standard of living and it drives me crazy. The evil in the world always consumes the good. I realize that more often every day I live and it drives me insane on the inside. I question myself, the world, and God.
As for careers, I'm starting to lean more towards art because I always wonder why I didn't stick with it. I do feel like I have some sort of talent that I'm just throwing away. People are always telling me that I should become a photographer, but that's too plain Jane for me. Everyone can do that. I want something a little out of the ordinary and it came to me the day I went to my tattoo artist for a touch up. I showed him a little of my work and he offered me an apprenticeship. Since then, I've had the head of my department at the hospital commission me to draw him a tattoo, and another of my coworkers ask if he could use one of my drawings as a tattoo for himself. I've been contemplating taking the apprenticeship for the past few months, but I really don't want to waste all of the money I've spent on school or the chance I was given by that school when I was one of only 20 students to be accepted into the program. I don't want to disappoint my parents or be another statistic for a single parent college dropout.
But I don't want to ignore the chances life gives me to excel at other things. This is my biggest problem... I want so badly to be a jack of all trades but master of none. I want to be a bartender, I want to get my college degree, I want to work at the Humane Society, I want to sing in a rock band and play guitar, I want to be a published author, I want to help people some days and others I don't. Maybe I don't know what I want after all, but I get so bored so quickly doing one thing. I'm starting to believe that a "career" is for me, but I'm tired of working incredibly hard for nothing or struggling financially. This society always pressures that a career is better than a "job" so I feel motivated to pursue one.
I'm standing at a five way intersection and have no idea which way to go to get home.
Listening to: Halestorm - Bad Romance